The Mysterious Little Black Dress

There is a common thought that the one thing you need to have in your closet is a little black dress (LBD) and I agree. Personally, I’ve needed to use this dress a number of times (mainly because I’m extremely competitive and refuse for my ex’s girlfriend to look better than me) but honestly, your LBD is that dress that you put on and you know you look like a sex cat, no questions asked. However, there are a few things that I have to clarify about the mystery behind the LBD.
Firstly, there isn’t a single woman that doesn’t need an LBD. If you know what your doing, you’ll have three of four. You never know what’ll happen and if you’re the mother of bad luck like I am, you need about ten of these. You could lose or gain weight. You could shrink it in the wash. You could tear it by mistake (you know, when you’re in the parking lot, shoes in hand and feet all over the place. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there, we’ve all found ourselves on our backs after a good night out – no pun intended). Anyway, other than burning it and mysteriously losing it (I won’t even ask how that happened) something bad is bound to happen. Buy one every time you have the money and opportunity to.
Secondly, I know that shopping can be extremely expensive. I’ve spent rent money, gas money and grocery money all for the love of fashion. The only problem I ran into was having to move in with friends while I got my shit together. It was hell! Sleeping on a couch that looks like it survived the war (that’s the first war) isn’t exactly appealing. I slept in my sleeping bag for two days but, I looked amazing when I walked out of that poisonous rat hole. So, long story short, I learned yet another lesson in managing my funds. Personally, as long as I have enough money for toiletries and toilet paper, I think I’m all good. (thats probably where the start of my problem is. I’ll tell you all about my ‘Shoppers Anonymous’ stint later). But the point I was trying to make was that you should never be cheap when it comes to: LBDs, shoes, belts and Jewellery. Trust me. You don’t need things snapping, tearing, breaking or falling off when you’re out and about, and these days, people aren’t so forgiving, they’ll never let you forget your little oopsie.
Thirdly, When buying your LBD DO NOT lie about your size! Yes black is slimming and the material of the dress is a little stretchy but don’t lie to yourself and don’t lie to your friends! If she looks like a sausage roll, then tell her. If her cellulite is the main attraction, tell her. If the zip refuses to go up, don’t tell her it’ll be fine and she’ll definitely be able to lose that weight before the event. She will not and you know it. Never squeeze yourself into a dress. Just let it go. This goes for those of you who think you can just ‘belt it’ and it’ll totally look great. NO IT DOESNT! Firstly, belts should only be used around your waist for pants that need them. You MAY NOT wear belts that go higher than your bellybutton. Get over it, the fad is gone (thank God). If you need to pick up a Vogue or something to help you, you can just run down to your closet bookstore/grocery store and they’ll have it. Think of it as your fashion bible that you need to read every month (see, a very easy religion to follow) and make an effort to buy/try one outfit/trend inside.
Fourthly, you have to be careful what you pair your LBD with. Just because it’s black doesn’t mean it ‘goes with everything’. Sadly, it doesn’t. The shoe you choose depends on your height, how fat your foot is, the texture of the shoe, the texture of the dress, the length of the dress and the bag you plan to pair it with. I know, sounds complicated right? And now you’re scanning the paragraph to find the quick fix? Well, too bad, this time there isn’t one. Looking good isn’t easy. So stop crying, rolling your eyes, scoffing and watching National Geographic. Animals don’t need clothes, you do!
Lastly, and I think that this is the most important thing you need to learn about the LBD. The Little Black Dress is more of a concept than an actual black dress. Your LBD could be navy blue, it could be emerald, it could be light, dark, almost any colour you want (but not every colour). As long as the concept of the little black dress remains at the core, you are allowed a little leeway.
So what am I trying to say is:
  1. Everyone needs a LBD. You’re not special, you need one.
  2. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by only having one LBD. Life happens and life is shit so go out and buy another one.
  3. Don’t lie about your size EVER! If it’s too small get a bigger size, if its too big get a smaller size. Trust me, everyone knows what size you are just by looking at you.
  4. Just because it’s black doesn’t mean it goes with anything. Black is versatile but pat attention to your shoes, height, bag, textures etc.
  5. Your LBD doesn’t necessarily need to be black. As long as it sits well on you, I’ll allow it.
I think thats all the advise I have for you today. If you’re a guy or you know a guy who needs some fashion advice, a white shirt with a black suit will never go out of style. It’s classic, stylish and extremely sexy. You can’t go wrong with a black tux. Mmmmmmm, yummy! *I definitely have a thing for a man in a suit. I think it makes them one hundred times hotter, You know how some people make the mistake of canoodling with someone who is sadly and unfortunately ugly when their drunk? See, instead of having ‘beer goggles’ or whatever they’re called, I have Chuck Bass lenses. As soon as a man is in a suit, my better judgement goes out the window and is replaced by “come to bed eyes. I want you now glances and anything else that I deem attractive at that time.”.* (I could really do with a man in a suit right now. It’s the best way to spend any day in my books.)
Anyway, my inappropriate fantasies aside, I can do nothing but send you out as lambs into a world of wolves (isn’t that from a movies or something? I think I got it wrong. Whatever). Go out, buy that dress, leave your house looking like the ultimate sex cat and try to make it home with a little dignity. Remember, it’s all fun and games dancing on the bar and “christening his car” but at some point you need to get married or become someone who could be taken seriously. If you don’t, you can never be president. I’m not saying that you want to, but it’s always nice to have option right?
NB: ALWAYS leave your house looking like a sex cat and smelling like something edible. That combo is always a winner 😉
That’s All
Your Resident Snob

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