Bon Soir Mes Amants,

Ok, so I could honestly write an entire book on this topic. Actually no, i could write a trilogy on it. Yes, I’m obsessed but I think it’s a good thing. Lingerie is such a small part of our daily dressing routine but it has the power to make or break your day. Personally, when I wear certain pieces of clothing that make me feel good I automatically start playing a Beyonce song in my head. When I’m wearing really good underwear it’s “Dance for you” or “Diva”, when I’m not feeling my underwear I automatically transport myself next to Bridgette Jones on her couch in the middle of winter drinking label-less wine from a box surrounded by cats with mismatched socks.

Anyway, I’m just going to throw some tips out today:

1. Don’t ever wear ugly underwear! I know most of us don’t want to wear nice underwear when we’re stuck at the “red robot” but honestly, granny panties only make you feel worse. Don’t Bridgette Jones yourself.

2. When wearing white, ALWAYS wear tan underwear. Don’t come here and tell me about black! I know what I’m talking about ok? I’m the lingerie oracle so just do as I say ok? It’s for your benefit I promise.

3. Your bra-straps should never show. It looks so tacky when they do. All I need to do it throw you into mini denim skirt, put a cigarette in your mouth and you’ll be typical trailer park trash.

4. Don’t buy cheap underwear. I don’t think I have to elaborate here.

5. Buy underwear that fits!! If you’re not sure what your size is, ask for help. That’s what the assistants are there for. Don’t be shy. The world has no time for shy people. Speak up so that you can look good.

6. Wear underwear that matches. Most people don’t think this is necessary but it really is. Mismatched underwear just looks untidy. Ladies wear underwear that matches. It looks sexier as well. I mean, would you wear different coloured socks? (If you answered yes to that question then get out! We don’t want your kind here unless you’re willing to change!)

7. Most importantly, wear lingerie that makes you feel good. You don’t have to buy it for anyone but yourself but you should still feel like a sex cat when you put it on even if you’ve just eaten a large McDonald’s meal with extra nuggets.

8. Don’t be the girl who’s walking around with a panty line! Argh guys it’s childish. Why did they make G-Strings? For that reason!!

Perhaps I’m just one of those lame people who gets obsessed with random things (you know like in movies when the creep has a shrine of their obsession in their house? Like Helga in Hey Arnold did) but whatever, lingerie is amazing! It always makes me feel good and if you’re the type who enjoys a late night love bite, then you have to invest in underwear! I mean, would you give someone a present without wrapping? I think not! That would just be rude!

NB: This is very NB. If you decide that you need to “feed the girls a couple of chicken cutlets” before sexy time (wear those breast enhancer chicken breast things), PLEASE remember to take them out. They are never to be seen ok? If you forgot and it’s kinda late, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. BTW, this is always when your “hold me tight don’t let me jiggle” body suit comes off as well.

So what am I saying? I’m saying whether you’re Beyonce or Bridgette Jones, having sexy lingerie is always important because it’ll always serve a purpose. Ladies should always be classy and class is wearing beautiful, sexy, matching lingerie. If that doesn’t convince you then just think; you might get into an accident and then they have to cut off your clothes to save your life and then they see that you’re wearing untidy underwear. (I think you’re meant to die of embarrassment at that point and not from the litres of blood you’re probably losing). I don’t know, my mom told me that…

Moral of the story? If you wear untidy underwear you will die! So just wear tidy underwear. Just do it ok? Please? (adapted from Mean Girls) – Coach Carr

Where to Shop: Agent Provocateur, Victoria Secret, Top Shop, Cotton On, Woolworths, Edgars, La Senza.

Your Resident Snob


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