Hello my little chickens,
So this evening when I was casually stalking people on every social network known to man (God bless the internet), it dawned on me that many of you so called “Bad bitches”/whatever else you call yourselves these days have no real understanding of the basics. Now when I say basics I’m referring specifically to the basic elements of materialistic value that every girl should own.
So, as I continued to scroll (making sure I didn’t trouble tap) your lack of sense infuriated me and saddened me simultaneously leading us to this post. I have quite a few lessons for you guys today. Now, you don’t have to tell anyone that the reason you suddenly look so good is because you took my brilliant and desperately needed advice. You know I do this for the fans. No thanks necessary (but you’re welcome).
- Black Underwear – You think that everyone knows this but apparently common sense isn’t that common after all so please rush down to La Senza, Woolworths, Edgars or wherever you purchase such and buy as many as you can afford.
- People, when wearing a light top (i.e. white/cream/light blue/green/pink/whatever) you have to wear a NUDE BRA! Even Victoria Beckham gave up the oh so tacky habit of showing off some kind of printed pink bra. It’s terribly tacky and makes you look like trailer park trash.
- Adding to the previous point, your bra straps should never show. Can you honestly say that you would be proud for your mother/sister/daughter to have their straps showing and looking like she just walked out of a gas station bathroom barefooted? NO! (and if you answered yes, then you are too far gone and not even my genius can help you. God Speed. Goodbye).
- If you have larger boobs, know and accept that. That being said, don’t be that girl running around the club showing everyone how you can hold your drink between your boobs. That’s gross. Firstly, cover up your boobs. One day you’ll want to be a mother/wife/president or something and unless your ultimate goal is to work at The Grande, you’re going to need to keep that skill to yourself.
- If you’re like me with little boobs (I call mine boiled or poached eggs, depending on how hot it is outside and what time of the month it is), you have a lot more freedom when it comes to picking out clothes and bras. BUT, don’t punk yourself saying you’re a 36C when you’re a AA sweetie pie. We’re not blind and stuffing your bra with chicken cutlets is very “My First Prom 2002”. You’re better than that ok? I mean probably not but lets pretend you are.
- Lastly, when it comes to bras, it’s extremely important to know which are “on the go” and which are “strictly for show”. There is a very big difference. Personally, most of if not all my bras a for show because I never really need to wear a bra (#boiledeggs). **HINT** The ones with thousands of chains and ribbons and rockets that take off from your nipples every 10 seconds are usually for show.
I hope you’ve all learned something after reading this post. Feel free to ask me anything anytime. I do bite but it’s the kind of pain that you get addicted to and keep coming back for. I understand that some of you are too common to have any sense so let me be your Yellow Brick Road. Just make sure your red sparkly pumps are designer, otherwise I’ll never be able to put myself in your shoes.