The say revenge is a dish best served cold. Have you ever wondered why? Well for me it means that nothing beats the art of patience and when you finally poison them with that oh so delectable dish, they’ll never mess with you again. – Your Resident Snob
Now I know that I’m not the only fan of the hit series Empire. After watching the first two episodes, I was hooked. Not only because I like dancing, crying, cursing and the idea of smacking a bitch while wearing a fabulous pair of Valentino stilettos, but because there is something about Cookie Lyon that resonated with me as a female. She has a fire in her eyes that makes you re-evaluate your entire existence and a walk that tells you you’ve messed with the wrong bitch.
As a woman, I know there have been so many times in my life when I’ve had enough. This frustration usually stems from some kind of “misunderstanding” with the opposite sex and or the new bitch he’s walking around with (who keeps eyeing you in the club and sucking on his entire face when you look their way). Either way, I know we have all gotten to the “You’ve messed with the wrong bitch” stage but not all of us know just how to execute our fragmented plan without “disturbing our pearls”.
Enter The Snob (powered by her spirit animal, Miss Cookie Lyon). We are here to guide you through the process of revenge or Effective Execution as I like to call it (pun intended).
Lesson One: As soon as you’ve been wronged and you’re pissed off, you’re going to want to react. Don’t! You need a second to gather your thoughts and regain your strength and stability before you attack. Patience is key.
Lesson two: Stalk your prey without them even knowing you exist. This is where you need to do research. If it’s your ex, do the usual Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and word of mouth stalking (with the help of your best friends of course). If its some bitch who’s calling you out, well you do the same thing, just be a little sneakier. Us women are smarter than men so you’ll have to be clever about your methods of information extraction.
Lesson three: Before you make your first big entrance, you need to make sure you look hella good. If this means you need to lose weight, don’t waste your money on gym (you’ll need that money later), wake up in the morning and run on the damn road. If it means you need clothes, go thrift shopping, call in late birthday presents, spend a little of your savings. Point is, when THAT person sees you, they need to be one of the many staring at you as you make your grand entrance.
Lesson four: Play nice. Don’t walk up to him or her shouting and screaming and throwing crap everywhere. You’re a lady. The best thing to do is greet them and move on. It sounds cliché but less is more. Keeping it simple keeps them guessing which ensures that the ball is always in your court.
Lesson five: Go on with your day as you usually would. If there’s anything that I’ve learned in my short 23 years of living in Johannesburg is that people will always come to you. The advantage you have by them coming to you is that they’re automatically on the attack. This gives you the option of defence, attack or indifference. Either way, you’ve been preparing long enough to handle anything that’s coming your way.
What do you do when things go exactly as you planned? Well that’s the best part, you say your bit and check out. Remember, keep it short and sweet. You’ve already won. You look great, you’ve said what needed to be said and you’ve watched enough Beyoncé videos to know just how to walk away with your class while they stare at your perfectly ripe ass.
So use this guide to teach others to stay in their lane because there really is no reason for them to call you out when you didn’t even send for them.
As in the words of the lovely Cookie Lyon: “The streets ain’t made for everybody, that’s why they made sidewalks”
As you were…