As a woman (how grown up do I sound?), I’ve always had a problem that (whichever higher being you believe in) gave us so much to deal with when it comes to our bodies. The stretch marks, weight issues etc.
So much like any woman, I hate that time of the month where you constantly live in fear because you know it’s “granny panty time”. You laugh but you know the process and the pain. Yes, this month we’re talking periods because there isn’t a single woman in the entire world that breaks out in a 30 second dance party when it comes (unless you thought you might be pregnant).
That aside, dealing with the crime scene in your pants just sucks!
Therefore I’ve come to the conclusion that you just can’t trust your body. Why? Just think of how many times your body has betrayed you? Whether it was an embarrassing sound it made during sex, those inconvenient sweat patches that reveal themselves the day you decided ‘grey was your colour’, the surprise stretch marks that literally appear out of nowhere and that oh so terrible release informing you that your uterus is in charge now and you’re it’s little bitch.
So what do I think?
Firstly, why does it start so early in your life and why does it have to hurt so much? Surely by now the human brain has come up with a better way to have to deal with this all? I mean, why can’t we just get a text message saying, “Whew, that was a close one but you’re not pregnant girl. YAY!”
The fear of leaking:
Or should I say the CONSTANT fear of leaking? You can’t wear your white-hot jeans, you casually keep checking your chair every time you get up (because you can never be too sure) and when leaving you pretend to be dusting your pants but are secretly checking you didn’t somehow create a big red target mark on your bum.
They act as if we’re these disgusting disfigured animals who come straight out of The Grudge who deserve to be sent to “deal with it” in the depths of some forest. We are women! We are the goddesses who have the ability to bring life into this world. Don’t try and punish us for our miracle. RESPECT US!
Now I’m not one to complain (ok maybe I am), but we’re forced to spend so much money trying to control it whether you’re on the injection, the Mirena or use the conventional pad or tampon. It’s so unfair! My thing is WE HAVE NO CHOICE! So why should we suffer like this? I think the government should give us an allowance of sorts. Umm, government, if you’re there, help us we’re poor!
They make it feel like there’s an alien trying to escape from your uterus, cramps render you paralytic, you throw up for no reason and feel the need to eat everything in sight (because you’re just allowed to) and no one is allowed to say anything otherwise you might randomly cry or turn into that chick from Gone Girl (Side note: how great is she?).
So how do we deal with this wretched time of the month Snob style? Well here are a few tips to help you through the pain:
1. Painkillers are your best friends (but your actual best friend can also help. I prefer the pills through). If you’re not one for pills, chamomile tea is a great muscle relaxant and helps more than you can imagine. (P.S Take the pills when you know its time. Don’t wait for the cramps to start).
2. I know as women we’re all hellishly focused on taking over the world and bringing everyman to his knees, but at this time of the month its best to keep the all-nighters to a limit. Give yourself a chance; you’re going through a lot.
3. If you’re a gym bunny, don’t stop that. Gym is good for your body and soul. Plus, it makes you even more badass. Who would ever want to mess with a woman who can run while it feels like a fat man is sitting on her uterus?
4. No one hates this as much as I do but you have to have your period panties. There’s nothing worse than ruining all that “sexy time” underwear when that’s the last thing you’re going through. Plus, anything can happen whether you’re 13 or 30. It’s shit, but it’s our reality.
5. Don’t underestimate the importance of the panty-liner. It helps when you feel like it’s coming and so useful when you’re at the end stages when all kinds of gross stuff is coming out of your diamond.
6. Cramps and backache? Don’t have a hot water bottle? Take an old pillowcase, fill it with uncooked rice, sew it shut and throw it in the microwave. This works wonders. Trust me.
7. Well usually I have an “everything must go in my mouth” kind of attitude when it comes to food, especially at this time of the month but honestly, because we have zero energy healthy food is your best bet. It sounds terrible but having light fresh food is the best way to boost your energy.
Now obviously there are a billion more things that are ridiculously stressful when dealing with the “the flow of the Red Sea” like feeling “sexually charged” at that time of the month (which I think is just pure evil) or somehow feeling like your vagina is going to fall through your butt at any moment but unfortunately I cant address it all.
Honestly at this time of the month we sometimes unexpectedly turn into The Hulk (strength included). But fear not, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean sure he’s green and a little ugly but just imagine all the fun you’d have scaring the shit out of men all over the world and chastising them for their ignorance (I mean, it’s not like they don’t deserve it right?).
Snob Senior Says: Use this time of the month to your advantage. Not sure if you wanted to sleep with that guy you’ve been meaning to go on a date with? Go on a date with him now that way you’re sure not to make any stupid mistakes that have you doing the walk of shame and contemplating joining a nunnery in the morning 😉
Oh and one last thing, if you’re not on your period right now, just take a moment to appreciate it because…well you know. And if you are on your period, bless you dear. Just be strong. It won’t last forever.