Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was the envy of every woman in the world.
She trained her waist, had a flawless face and refused to leave the house un-pearled.
She had an ass that wouldn’t quit so her jeans never fit but her figure was adored by all.
And when she felt down and no one was around she hauled her not so little butt to the mall.
Thanks to celebs like Kim Kardashian West and Beyoncé I have thin girls (who used to be at the top of the food chain) begging me to spill the beans on how to get ‘thick’ thighs and a bigger butt (side note: we ‘chunky monkeys’ don’t spill the beans, we eat ’em). Yes ladies, it’s the fabulous era of the girls with the ‘fuller figure’ and being on top never felt so good.
This article is dedicated to the chunky monkeys, the pear-shaped princesses and the beauts with the childbearing hips who know the pain of putting baby powder and/or Bio-Oil on their inner thighs in the summer. This is for us – the ones who know the frustration of finding jeans that fit our waist and hips at the same time, and the irritation that comes from trying on skinny jeans in tiny change rooms with bad lighting. (Tip: as soon as they get to your butt, kick your legs through the jeans, do two squats to button them up, kick twice more and create a crease under your ass by lifting it up for the ‘fuller’ effect. Trust me, you may be sweating like a pig by the end of this but it works every time).
As a fellow pear-shaped princess, I’m here to share what I’ve learnt in my short 24 years on this earth. I would love to say that I’m the oracle and have discovered all these secrets on my own but like any ridiculously expensive jewellery set, these pearls of wisdom have been passed down through generations – which only seems fair, considering the love for chocolate cake and pasta was passed down as well.
Here are my tips to taming those hips:
1. Don’t be like my mother and dress to hide your hips
Trust me, they’re gorgeous! And if you think they’re making you look fat, you’re wrong. Your small waist and big hips make your figure the envy of most women.
2. The A-line dress is your best friend
Honestly, you can never go wrong with it. It’s perfect for summer and in winter all you need is a jacket and cute stockings to make it work for you.
3. Get the right shops on speed-dial
If you’re anything like me, you’re always looking for the perfect jeans, dresses and jumpsuits. Go to Zara for more formal options (for night-out or office-chic looks) and Top Shop/Cotton On for everything else.
4. I know, you like the idea of exercise but still can’t seem to get into it. My answer? Virgin Active!
A 5.45am class with Rina (Virgin Active Grayston/Morningside) will tone those thighs and give you the ass kicking you need in the morning. And, if you need motivation to get up that early, remember that all the hot guys who are serious about their careers are in the gym from 5am.
5. Lastly, a good pair of boyfriend jeans is a must-have
Don’t be embarrassed when taking the extra large or size 38. The baggier they sit, the better they look. Pair them with heels for a casual Friday look or your Converse sneakers for running around on Saturday. They’ll give you that ‘Oh, I totally forgot we had plans but luckily I still look oh-so-casually-fabulous’ kind of look.
Parting words from the oracle of the oversized? You’re not oversized – you’re the right size. It may sound cliché but guys really do like having something to hold on to when it’s playtime (I speak from personal experience). So stop running around trying every fad diet known to man. Just pop into a gym class a few times a week – if not to tone up then at least to find your next playmate.