Just because it zips doesn’t mean it fits!

As a writer (well blogger specifically), there are lots of things that inspire me to write the rants I pretend are blog posts. This particular post has been something that has been long in the making. Well, I’ve been thinking of writing something related to how size matters (yes in all aspects of life –  but we’ll save other variations for later). So this time I’m keeping it simple because apparently such concepts get lost on a lot of you. I keep saying I’m here to help, so let me help. I don’t spit these words of wisdom for my health people. I have impeccable dress sense. I know this already.

So what do I mean when I say “Just because they made it in your size doesn’t mean it’s your size”. I mean that while the majority of the stores and labels provide sizes from ‘Slender September’ all the way to “Look mom it’s a pie in Summer”, doesn’t mean that you should buy that item of clothing. Knowing what works for your body, your personality and your “look” is so important. If it wasn’t well then we’d all be wearing the same blue jeans and t-shirt uniform (that some of you still get wrong). For example, I’ve never been a Slender September. I’ve got an ass and hips that don’t lie. Now I’m sure I could walk into TopShop and find the cutest short shorts and crop top that kinda resemble something I saw someone famous wear sometime somewhere before (probably Rihanna) but not everything she wears will work for me because I’m not shaped the way she is. It’s sad but true.

First of all, I am a pear shaped princess. That means that those white denim shorts that they make in size 0 to 289 000 000 should not be worn by the person who needs size 289 000 000 (me)! Those types of clothes are made for the skinny malinkies of the world. Am I being a bitch when I say this? No! I’m not. I’m being honest. I’m saying what your skinny friends who all wanna match the next time you go to whatever Summer Shakedown Party won’t say because they don’t wanna make you feel bad (and are super selfish and only care that they look good). Those uber short white denim shorts look good on people who have legs with muscle, legs that don’t look like they’re melting, legs that don’t fight each other for top billing every time you walk. This is why you will not see me wearing such.

So whats my reasoning? Well, if I go and buy those shorts (which way too many of you do), I know that I’m going to feel uncomfortable and why would I want that for myself? Why would I want to have to constantly pull my shorts down every five minutes? I’d never actually get to relax and have fun. It’s like when you’re wearing white and you’re on your period. Mad stressful! I don’t think you’re being fair on yourself if you do this.

Sure you may be this super confident person and God bless your struggling heart if you’re confident and unhealthily overweight, but you are not comfortable! You don’t feel good. Rather wear different shorts or a dress (and no, not one of those cling wrap dresses because you look untidy in that as well). Wear a dress that isn’t just your size but a dress that looks and feels good. The second you start doubting your choice is the second you should put it down and look for something else. Truss me daddy! I know what I’m talking about. Ive been there girl. Fuck, Ive been THAT girl.

This being said, I feel I must note that I’m not trying to shame anyone. I’m as chunky as they come and God bless the man who gets to enjoy me and all my extra goodies but I know what looks good on me. I know when I feel uncomfortable. I know when I look untidy. I could easily go to TopShop and buy those really cute lace-bra crop tops but then you’d all be able to see my little pouch where I keep all my extra candy and that’s no bueno people. That’s why I don’t wear crop tops like that. I accentuate the best parts of my body and keep it moving.

Look, basically I’m saying that clothes are meant to make you feel good. You feel good when you look good. So hear this, don’t let your curvy friends convince you that you look like a bad bitch in those Joni Jeans because you know in your heart of hearts that your flat ass (or back extension as I like to call it) doesn’t look good at all. Don’t let those skinny bitches convince you to buy that bikini that doesn’t quite make you feel as sexy as you usually do because honeeeeeeeey, you should not! In this world we have been blessed with a wide variety of clothes in different materials, colours, sizes and lengths for a reason. Know your body baby. Listen to your body. She’s telling you something when it takes too long for those pants to button. She’s saying “Let it go! It’s not going to happen! Stop trying to make it happen”.

You know I love you right?

Class Dismissed


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