OUTFIT BETRAYAL

So lately I’ve had the worst writers block. I couldn’t figure out why until I realised that all this self love stuff I’ve been doing for myself actually made me forget about how much other people annoy me. While I still practice my self love and selfishness, I’ve decided to take a peek outside my wall and remind myself of how terrible so many of you are at dressing. This post is all about people not being practical with themselves when they’re getting dressed. It happens everyday people. I see it all the time. I must admit, Ive been a victim of this lack of basic understanding way too many times, more times than Id like to admit.

So this is what happened. I was at work, just tapping away on what they call a laptop but honestly that thing is bigger than my frikin car and I have to basically lunge from key to key just to turn the fucking thing on. If you’ve sent me a mail this year and haven’t gotten a response as yet, just wait your turn, I’m still working on November 2016 emails. Anyway, I was at work and I realised that there are so many people who get dressed in the morning with no regard of what they will be doing in these carefully chosen (or carelessly thrown on) outfits.

So where I work, there is a bridge that joins two buildings together and while i work in building one, sometimes I have meetings in building two and I have to walk across the bridge to get there. This particular bridge is made out of those wooden planks so walking across there is a nightmare because not only do I have to fear falling to my death and getting hit by a Toyota Tazz, but I also have to be careful that I don’t get one of my heels caught in between those planks, kinda like in the wedding planner when JLO got her nude Gucci pump stuck in a drain and risked her life trying to save her shoe and ended up getting hit by a massive trash can (if you haven’t seen the movie, the trash can was an actual trash can, not a trashMAN). Yeah. Anyway, so whenever I have meetings there I wear thicker heeled shoes so that I only have to worry about falling to my death and getting hit by a Toyota Tazz.

I recently noticed (okay not so recently) that most people don’t think of these type of things. Granted, sometimes you don’t know what you’ll be doing or where you’ll be going so you can’t really prepare but for the most part you actually can.

So here are some things to consider next time you get dressed:

1.In the club, I make sure my shoes are cute but can easily be wiped if something spills on them because trust me, something will.

2.In the club I make sure my shoes are sturdy enough to help me manoeuvre through the crowd when going to the bathroom.

3.That my shoes aren’t prone to making me slip because those floors are slippery as fuck when there’s liquor everywhere!

4.If I’m wearing a fairly short dress or skirt, I make sure that when I sit down the whole world can’t see my tiara (yes, I’ve taken to calling my vagina a tiara).

5.If it’s a strapless dress or top, I make sure that if I have to lean over for the salt or raise my hand to summon whoever works there, I don’t experience the infamous nip slip (I have itty bitty titties, so my entire boob falling out would still be considered a nip slip because those boiled eggs aren’t going anywhere).

6.I never wear anything I can’t take off and put on again myself because what if you’re done having sexy times and you wanna go home but now it takes three people to stuff all your stuff back into your dress? Not cool.

7.I never wear Louboutins unless I’m going from the car, straight to the resturant and then back to the car again. Those shoes are cute but they hurt like a bitch and under no circumstances are you ever allowed to take off your shoes in public. If I’m in public and I’m required to take off my shoes then it had better be because I’m buying a new pair of shoes otherwise, I am not in the right place and must leave immediately.

8.If it’s raining, don’t risk wearing your new suede boots from Public Desire or those really cute heels you have with the fluff on in the front. They will get ruined and you will be just as miserable as the weather that ruined them.

9.If your bag allows for it, always take a jacket, jersey or something small to cover your shoulders just incase. It doesn’t cost you anything and it’s always good to be prepared.

10.And lastly, under no circumstances are you EVER allowed to put pumps, or flip-flops in your bag or clutch! NO! Unless you’re going to the beach (in which case you should be wearing the flops or whatever already), you cannot have “just in case shoes”. COMMIT TO THE OUTFIT! Ever heard the phrase “you suffer for fashion”? Well it comes from somewhere and if you’re not prepared to suffer in those shoes all night, wear another pair or quit being a baby and get it together.

Basically, what I’m saying is that if your outfit isn’t made for your function, you have to change, otherwise you’ll be holding, pulling, shifting, slipping and readjusting until you get home. That’s just a bummer. You don’t need that extra stress in your life. Shit’s bad enough without you having to worry that every time you sit-down your bodysuit will unclip and your tiara will just be out there feeling all breezy and free.

Getting dressed up and wearing your new shoes or sexiest underwear is meant to be the appetiser of your day. Your activity while you’re dressed is meant to be the main. How do you expect to enjoy your main if you’re sour because your g-string is riding up your front and your back and you can basically taste the cotton? Next thing you know, you’re not focused on the great conversation and perfectly chilled champagne but rather calculating how much time you’ll need to run to the bathroom and rummage in your bag for those tweezers you hope are still in there so that you can yank that R599 piece of crap out of your ass before it completely slices you in half and TLC makes a special on “my underwear sent me to the ER” staring your dumb ass!

Don’t make me state the obvious kids. Don’t force your outfit to do what it just can’t. It owes you nothing and it won’t think twice before betraying you in public.

That’s all,

snobwithablog

-snobwithajob

-snobwithablog ft. snobwithajob

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